|(Check out my forging gun in the window behind me, its huge, like, at least twice the size of my other arm)|
A new blog.
Forced into existence because my old blog had a weird email address that I can't access now that my computer, that which has sustained me through the years, had a melt down and then was stolen out of my van.
I DID have everything backed up once upon a time, but the external hard drive malfunctioned and I put everything onto my then new computer with the understanding that when I had the money I would replace the means of back up.
I never had the money.
I kick myself in the head hourly for this level of stupidity. Not fully realizing everything I would lose should such a circumstance come upon me.
This is just the latest difficult circumstance in a line of life happenings;
I lost most of my possessions in the move from Florida.
(my bed, my dresser, my office, my living room, my comfy chair and ottoman, my dining set, my microwave, my kitchen utensils, have you tried to make pancakes without a mixing bowl?)
My mom tried to tell me;
"Shan, you are not going to be able to replace all these things at one time."
(I can see her in my mind, standing there in my giant house, her face showing heartbreak as she tried to pack up most of the kids toys.)
But I wasn't thinking.
To say that I hoped he would just come to his senses and he would put all of our things in storage, acquire another house for me and the kids, move us back to beautiful beach side Florida and we would be one happy family once more sounds incredibly naive and ignorant.
The reality is that I didn't know how to separate from my husband. I stood in the kitchen holding a frying pan thinking, not
YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN NOW WITH 2 KIDS TO FEED AND SUPPORT,
"What if dear hubby needs to make eggs for his breakfast?"
Me, my pops and my superhuman mama shoved what we could into a rental truck and I cried my way back to the good ol midwest, to hide in their basement and use their own home and their own possessions that they work their butts off to pay for and maintain as committed partners.
I lived in a fog for months with only 1 singular thought echoing around my head,
"How could he not love me anymore?"
Until someone I thought was a friend said quite bluntly;
"He left you for another woman."
No one had said that to me, they said a lot of other things about him but those words arranged that way in that sentence by someone who could care less about my feelings opened up my grieving, weeping eyes.
Yep. that was my new reality.
I was one of those wives; shelved after years of indentured servitude for a his new life. A new woman. A new beach side bachelor pad.
Fat, frumpy, neglected business woman who let herself go because let's face it, who wants to spend money and time taking care of yourself when nobody shows any interest (and I'd much rather spend money on tools anyway)?
The fog lifted and I rolled up my sleeves, put my head down and got back to work.
"I totally know what I'm doing."
But I don't.
I make so many mistakes and get so overwhelmed by my multiple streamed business that I can't cope any more.
And what "can't cope any more" means is that I act weird and say inappropriate things, make more mistakes, I suffer more consequences and I learn things the hard way. Like,
Even if you are really upset and having a panic attack that consists of alternating between sobbing, raging, chest pains and boxing, because suddenly your source of income has shut down and you do not know how you are going to feed your kids this week...........
you should still lock your van at night.
It's gonna be okay though.
You know why?
Cause I have family and friends.
And please listen when I tell you from deeply personal experience, there really isn't anything else in life that matters when it all comes down to it.
Bitter and Jaded but still Hopeful,