Friday, November 23, 2012

Starting over or just continuing on?

(Check out my forging gun in the window behind me, its huge, like, at least twice the size of my other arm)

 A new blog.
 Forced into existence because my old blog had a weird email address that I can't access now that my computer, that which has sustained me through the years, had a melt down and then was stolen out of my van.

I DID have everything backed up once upon a time, but the external hard drive malfunctioned and I put everything onto my then new computer with the understanding that when I had the money I would replace the means of back up.
I never had the money.
I kick myself in the head hourly for this level of stupidity. Not fully realizing everything I would lose should such a circumstance come upon me.

This is just the latest difficult circumstance in a line of life happenings;

I lost most of my possessions in the move from Florida. 
(my bed, my dresser, my office, my living room, my comfy chair and ottoman, my dining set, my microwave, my kitchen utensils, have you tried to make pancakes without a mixing bowl?) 
My mom tried to tell me;
"Shan, you are not going to be able to replace all these things at one time."
(I can see her in my mind, standing there in my giant house, her face showing heartbreak as she tried to pack up most of the kids toys.)
 But I wasn't thinking. 
To say that I hoped he would just come to his senses and he would put all of our things in storage, acquire another house for me and the kids, move us back to beautiful beach side Florida and we would be one happy family once more sounds incredibly naive and ignorant.
 The reality is that I didn't know how to separate from my husband. I stood in the kitchen holding a frying pan thinking, not 
but rather;
"What if dear hubby needs to make eggs for his breakfast?"  

Me, my pops and my superhuman mama shoved what we could into a rental truck and I cried my way back to the good ol midwest, to hide in their basement and use their own home and their own possessions that they work their butts off to pay for and maintain as committed partners.

I lived in a fog for months with only 1 singular thought echoing around my head,
"How could he not love me anymore?"

Until someone I thought was a friend said quite bluntly;
"He left you for another woman."
No one had said that to me, they said a lot of other things about him but those words arranged that way in that sentence by someone who could care less about my feelings opened up my grieving, weeping eyes.
Yep. that was my new reality.
 I was one of those wives; shelved after years of indentured servitude for a his new life. A new woman. A new beach side bachelor pad.
Fat, frumpy, neglected business woman who let herself go because let's face it, who wants to spend money and time taking care of yourself when nobody shows any interest (and I'd much rather spend money on tools anyway)?

The fog lifted and I rolled up my sleeves, put my head down and got back to work.
"I totally know what I'm doing."
But I don't.
 I make so many mistakes and get so overwhelmed by my multiple streamed business that I can't cope any more. 
And what "can't cope any more" means is that I act weird and say inappropriate things, make more mistakes, I suffer more consequences and I learn things the hard way. Like,
Even if you are really upset and having a panic attack that consists of alternating between sobbing, raging, chest pains and boxing, because suddenly your source of income has shut down and you do not know how you are going to feed your kids this week...........

 you should still lock your van at night.

It's gonna be okay though.
You know why?
Cause I have family and friends. 
And please listen when I tell you from deeply personal experience, there really isn't anything else in life that matters when it all comes down to it.

Bitter and Jaded but still Hopeful,


  1. you are a superhuman woman. i am so proud to be your friend... if i dare assume that title. i believe you to be more beautiful and resilient than bitter and jaded. your efforts are known and you will emerge from this part of your life as the glorious person we all know you to be. your vision of your self just needs a little time to catch up to what we know.
    love and hugs... w.

    1. Wendy, I have always felt kinship with you, as I assume with most opinionated, sarcastic, bold, expressive women! You have helped me more than I even know how to explain.
      Love and hugs back to you, you metal gardener!

  2. Still here with you and in time you will overcome all this and be stronger for it, love to you and yours.

    1. Thank you, Kella, love right back at you and your angel girls!

  3. And still so loved by your family and friends more than words can express!

    1. I love you, Kristen. Thank you for being my friend.

  4. Sending you love, hope, caring. I've lived my version of your betrayal 22 years ago. You trust, as I do. It can bite you in the bum, but it can also lead you to a better life. A second disastrous marriage to an abusive man, x-ray school with little sleep and a horrible home while trying to protect my kids, a dramatic secret move-out....all of those adventures are in my past...
    Now 15 years married to a kind good man and a quirky blended family gives me a different perspective. Leads me to pray for you and your beautiful children. God bless you Shannon! And your parents are the salt of the earth. Persevere~~

    1. Yay for new found love! It is women like you, Chris; strong, intelligent, talented and preserving, that lets me (and the others reading who can't share their feelings) know I can look forward to the future.

  5. I understand more than you'll ever know, as I have a very similar story. At the time, my dad gave me a magnet which is still on my frig and it quoted Winston Churchill "If you're going through hell, keep going." It's excellent advice and it works. Just keep moving forward...then one day will notice... you're breathing easier... not crying as much ....and laughing and smiling more. YOU WILL BE OKAY, hang in there Kiddo xoxoxoxox

    1. Thank you for this, Loralee! While I am sad to know you know how this is, your words of encouragement are taken to heart.

  6. YOU hold your head high. You are WHY the world is a good place!!!
    You are a teacher and a leader. And a world changer.
    I keep on wondering what I am doing here and why we have all this suffering too. I have concluded that is a higher reason (that probably sounds trite--sorry) which I cannot understand yet, but that it is something important and good. The same for you.
    I love you SO SO much. xox jean
    Keep it up, you can do it.

    1. You never once have sounded trite and I am so grateful for your words of wisdom and your continued friendship in spite of your own deep suffering. (I can at least blame my problems on "a man".)
      I love you, Jean.

  7. oh, shan -
    i get it...
    i left the nail clippers, the kitchen items, everything but the kids belongings - because i was thinking the same thing...
    it is a brutal reality to have to accept - but in truth, it says more about the person who makes those choices than it does about you... you just got the fabulous job of beginning all over with a reeling head and broken heart...
    but you are so very right - family and friends, that is really what it's all about -
    you've got this (and a big old safety net too)

    1. Thank you for being my life. For not stopping communication with me. For encouraging me with your own personal experience and advise. I have no idea what I would have done had it not been for you, Barb and my mama.

  8. forgot this:
    'It's not always about trying to fix something that's broken. Maybe it's about starting over and creating something better.'

  9. Shannon, I've been your customer for years, and though I wouldn't presume to be your friend, I'm hella fond of you and so appreciative of your giving spirit. Love to you! Stay in the light and know that there are a lot of us out here who've been affected by you and your multiple-streamed business who love you lots and are pulling for you. xoxo Meridy

    1. As I am hella fond of you, Meridy! It kind of feels like the customers who like making the same style of ancient meets modern jewelry I like to make are automatically friends!

  10. I can't believe how familiar your story sounds to me. I left half of all our joint possessions (dishes, good silverware, pots and pans, towels, you get the picture) for 'him' while he also took the TV, stereo, new vehicle, etc. Only to find out all these items were trashed or repossessed. Feeling stupid and naive doesn't even come close to how I felt. BUT I still had my son and my family and friends. Today (over 20 years later) I still sometimes feel bitter and jaded but still hopeful, always hopeful and thankful for what I DO have. Sending tears and hugs and hope your way, Shannon.

    1. Thank you for this comment, Mary. I know we both know that these are just material possessions, but it hurts every time I reach for something I used to have and then I remember why I do not have it anymore.
      I am thankful for friends like you who remind me I am not alone in this circumstance.

  11. Sending love, hugs and prayers to you, sweet Shannon. Even this shall pass and you will look back and wonder how on earth you made it through. And, you will make it through. ❤ Thank God for family and friends, for sometimes that is all we have. ❤ Donna

    1. Thank you, Donna, your words remind me of my moms advise when I was pregnant; "This, too, shall pass." And so I wait for time to pass...

  12. Thinking of you... [[[[[[[[HUGS]]]]]]]]

  13. So sorry about the computer and all the other sh*t. Sending warm wishes for an upturn in 2013.

  14. Will put your new blog on my page. Good to see you again!